Thursday, October 28, 2010

A note on the table but no meal in the micro

Back in the fall of 2008...

Sara: Hi new microwave. I just bought the house that you are installed in. I want you to know that I have had bad experiences with Kitchenaid items in the past, but I am willing to give you a shot.

Microwave: I assure you, I will not disappoint! See how shiny I am? And how well I go with the other appliances? Have you noticed how many superfluous buttons I have?

Sara: Ok then, let's do this.

Jump forward to some morning in the Fall of 2010, 4:00AM...

Sara: Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeergh...what was that, the 10th baby feeding of the night? I'm so tired I can't even see straight. Also I am hearing an annoying beeping in my head. Wait, that's real. What the hell?

Microwave: Beep! Beep! Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep!

Sara: (trudging downstairs) Dude, not cool. (Hits cancel button)


Sara: What is that buzzing noise?

Microwave: Ha ha! I have laid in wait for 2 years lulling you into a false sense of security but now look! I have become sentient and turned myself on! In a few short hours I will get hot enough to burn your house down! Hahahahahahahaha!

Sara: I knew you were trouble for the beginning! I am so not leaving you on anymore unless I need to use you, and I am SO telling Kitchenaid on you! (unplugs microwave)

Microwave: Awwwww....

1 week later

Microwave: I have been a good little microwave for a week now! And you've gotten a chance to experience how difficult life can be without a microwave or a light or vent fan over your stove. I am an integral part of your kitchen! How about if we just forget any of this ever happened and make peace?

Sara: Well, I really don't want to call Kitchenaid and wait on hold for hours just to have them tell me you're not under warranty anymore...I guess I could give you another...

Microwave: Chicken! Chickenchickenchickenchickenchickenchickenchicken!

Sara: Whaaaaa?

Microwave: Ha HA! Now I am going to pretend someone is holding down the chicken defrost button so that you can't press any other buttons! And I am going to make incessant beeping noises too! And just when you least expect it, I am going to turn myself on! And if you ever do get a button in edgewise I will work for 1 minute and then display -F2- and shut down! Just try to use me NOW!

Sara: (weeping) I just want my Lean Cuisine! I'm so very hungry and in need of a quick lunch! Not to mention the fact that all of my baby's food is frozen and needs to be microwaved! Would you really keep food from a hungry nursing mother and her baby?

Microwave: You bet I would! You brought this on yourself! Chickenchickenchickenchickenchickenchickenchicken -F2-

2 weeks later....

Sara: Well microwave, it's no secret that I hate you a lot, but you've at least been working intermittently and this new -F2- trend seems to be keeping you from turning on by yourself and burning down my house.

Microwave: You know you're too lazy to call Kitchenaid. And you know if you do they won't replace me, they'll just try to fix me. Then I'll just lay in wait for awhile longer until you're REALLY not expecting it, THEN I'll burn your house down!

Sara: I hate you so much.

1 week later still....

Sara: Alright microwave, I invited a friend over, and she needs to heat up a Healthy Choice entree. I just need you to behave for 4 minutes.

Microwave: Just look at me! Does it look like I am doing anything wrong? We 've been going through a rough patch these past few weeks, but I think we're past all of that now.

Sara: Then why won't you start?

Microwave: Ha HA! Now I'm going to pretend that my door isn't shut even though it is! I'd like to see you try to heat up your friend's food NOW!

Sara: (throwing her whole weight against the door of the microwave) Take that! As long as I stand here on a stool and lean on the door, you totally still work!

Microwave: Yes, yes I do.

4 minutes later....

Sara: (falling off her stool, exhausted) Thanks a lot microwave. You've awakened me in the middle of the night, you've tried to burn my house down. You've taken 20 minutes to heat up my Lean Cuisine and you've denied my baby food. Now you've made me look like an idiot in front of my friend! And what's this? Is there a chip missing from the inside seal of your door? You cried wolf so many times I didn't believe there was actually something wrong but YOU WERE TOTALLY JUST FRYING MY BRAINS WHILE I WAS HOLDING YOUR DOOR CLOSED FOR 4 MINUTES, WEREN'T YOU?

Microwave: Yes, yes I was.

Sara: (sputtering) You're such a big...stupid...jerk...microwave!

Microwave: I've done all of this to you and yet here I still hang in your kitchen. Now who do you think is really the stupid one?

Sara: (eyes downcast, scuffing toe on floor) Me.

Microwave: Call Kitchenaid.

Sara: Ok.

1 comment:

Will said...

ChickenChickenChickenChicken! Hilarious!