Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Falling down

Hey everyone.  I've been hiding for a bit.  It's what I do when I get overwhelmed and feel like I can't do anything well.  I just don't do anything, that way I don't have to feel bad that I'm not writing interesting blog posts/keeping my house clean/planning ahead for all the things I need to do/counting points etc.

I have done well on the artificial sweetner/caffiene front.  The artificial sweetner part has been easy, except for Saturday when there was Turkey Hill sugar-free ice cream at my Father-in-law's party.  We used to go through GALLONS of that stuff.  It's the only sugar-free ice cream (that was also only 1 old WW point per half cup) that was worth eating.  But I resisted.  The caffiene thing went faster than I thought it would...I cut back to a half cup of coffee in the morning for 2 days, then since I hadn't had any side effects I cut back to 1/4 cup for the next 2 days.  That didn't bother me at all (aside from the chest tightness from drinking caffiene in the first place) so I cut back to 100% decaf and have been doing that for the past 3 days.  I get a touch of a  headache still at some point each day, but nothing a few ibuprofen won't fix.  How strange that even 1/4 cup of caffiene makes all the difference.

When it comes to eating though, I have not been doing all that well.  Everything I have eaten is healthy, but for the past 3 days or so I have been eating way too much.  I have my WW weigh-in tonight so I'll see what the damage is.  It makes me so mad, because after the first 2 days of not counting points I am still pretty sure I wasn't over my weekly allowance for the week yet, but I got convinced in my head that I had "blown it", so I've kept going.  Every morning I have started out with the best of intentions, but then I eat something I shouldn't and say "I'll recommit tomorrow so that I can eat all the things I've been missing today and I won't have to track them".  I've got to just stop! 

I discovered the blog Runs For Cookies written by a girl named Katie who has lost 125 pounds in 16 months, and I have been reading that for inspiration.  What got to me the most was looking at her weigh-ins over the course of her weight loss.  She didn't lose every single week, and some weeks she even gained quite a bit!  But she still lost 125 pounds because she kept going even after she gained.  I know that I am allowed to mess up.  I know that the single most important thing I can do is to forgive myself and get back on track as soon as possible.  But I still find it incredibly difficult to put that into practice!  I would rather sit around and beat myself up and end up gaining back the weight I have lost over and over and over, apparently.

It's also amazing how different it is in my head when I'm doing well vs. when I've slipped.  When I'm doing well, I am convinced I will succeed.  I picture myself at my sister's wedding rocking my bridesmaid dress (which will have to be taken WAY in, of course), I look forward to my next weight loss milestone, and I notice and appreciate the areas of my body that are changing.  As soon as I have a day when I snack a bit too much though, I immediately start wallowing in self-pity.  My younger sister (who only weighed about 118 to begin with) accidentally lost 13 pounds in the last 2 months because of a newly diagnosed thyroid condition and is afraid her wedding dress will be way too big.  I sure didn't have any weight loss when *I* was dealing with my hyperthyroidism.  My pants from this summer that were starting to get big are now a bit tight, a nice reminder that even though I've had an impressive 2 weeks of weight loss I'm still above where I got to a couple months ago.  I don't feel like working out because I feel gross from eating too much and it won't negate all the calories I just snacked on anyway.  I wish I could figure out how to kick my psyche in the face.

I am toying with the idea of only counting points every other week.  I did very well a couple weeks ago when I was just focusing on eating mindfully, so maybe I can just alternate my approach and that will keep me from getting tired and resentful of tracking everything?  I'll track this week and see how I feel after my next weigh-in.  I am so sick of losing the same 10 pounds over and over!  I want to start losing "new" weight!

No comments: