Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Bugs I hate right now

I hate most if not all bugs, but here are the bugs that are annoying me most of all right now, in reverse order:

1. The ants that have claimed my kitchen and bathrooms as their own. For some reason they seem to be more drawn to water than food, but things are getting out of hand. If I so much as leave a SPECK of water in my sink after washing the dishes, there will be a swarm of ants all over it within minutes. We have little ant hotels, but we really need Taro, and we haven't been anywhere that sells it yet. At least they haven't moved into the Aerogarden yet like they did last year...gack.

2. The stink bugs that got into my car because I foolishly left my windows open when I parked at my parents house once during the Great Invasion last fall. I can't figure out if these are still survivors from last year, or new hatchlings from eggs laid last fall (SOOOOOO gross). They love to come boldly stomping out of my airvents to traipse across my seats, fly into my head, and just plain scare the crap out of me while I'm driving. They are big and they fly and they survive for months without sustenance. There is also the added bonus that when you squish them they emit a foul-smelling brown goo. Awesome.

3. The terrifying "cave crickets" (which look like big spiders) that come into my basement to die. It makes me happy that by the time they stumble into my basement most of them are already in the process of checking out, but they still have at least one or two good hops left in them. And these things get some DISTANCE when they hop, and they go in all sorts of unexpected directions, but usually towards me. I try to be brave around bugs for Emily's sake, but yesterday I curled into a ball and covered my head while gibbering and trembling when I noticed a cave cricket was IN Emily's playhouse with us, poised to jump straight into my hair. Poor Emily kept saying "Mommy? Mommy?" while Will scolded me for undoing his work with Emily trying to convince her that the crickets are fun. I couldn't help it though, and once I had escaped I realized there was not one but THREE of the horrible things in and on the playhouse. I am going to have to fumigate that rose petal cottage before I enter it again, yick.

4. The wasps who eat Emily's swingset whenever it's sunny out. I have no idea why they only show up when the sun is shining on the swingset, but after a wasp stung Emily mid-swing a couple weeks ago, we have a rule that she can't swing while the wasps are around. And an Emily who can't swing is an Emily who is not very happy.

5. Cicada killers. I haven't seen one in ages, but as long as I know they exist, I am scared to go outside. I was once attacked by a cicada killer in College Park as I drove home from class down Route 1. I was approaching the most lethal intersection in the area, when what looked like a small plane rose up from the passenger seat. I had a moment of frozen terror and I beheld the most gigantic stinging insect I had ever seen hovering mere inches from my face, then thank GOD I had the wherewithal to grab my organic chemistry textbook because seconds later he went for me. I was able to defend myself by smacking him out of the air with my book, but I didn't see where he landed. Without being 100% sure he was no longer in my car, I could not drive it any longer so I parked it at Shoppers and walked home in the summer heat (and yes, I was taking remedial Organic Chemistry during the summer. While my whole family went on vacation to Ireland. Don't bring it up)

I googled "heat kill cicada killer", hoping that a 120 degree car would fry him, but all I found were graphs illustrating the fact that the hotter it gets, the more effectively cicada killers can fly (who willingly STUDIES these horrors?) Once Will got home I informed him that we were walking up to my car at Shoppers and checking it for cicada killers. And he did it for me. That is why I married him. And that is why cicada killers will always rank highest on the "bugs I hate" scale.

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